Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
