I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
