he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
