you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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