I puked a lego.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
