Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
