just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
