Farmville is her only friend.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
