I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
