I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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