This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
