dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
