Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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