oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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