I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
