Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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