Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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