everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
