you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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