I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
