Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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