Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
