He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
