Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
