dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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