a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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