I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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