hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
