Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
