Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
