i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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