I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
