I think my vagina is haunted
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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