I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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