I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
