before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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