Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
