Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
