He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
