I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
