Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You took a bar mat shot.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
