I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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