woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
