you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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