do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I party with great urgency now.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
