Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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