sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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