the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
His nipple licking is glorious
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