Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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