I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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