I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
